I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
