I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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