I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
