I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
