ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
