I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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