"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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