as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
