Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Semen is not good for contacts.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
