i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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