At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
