Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
