Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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