I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
