my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
