just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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