I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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