I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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