i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so let's talk penis.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize