I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
