it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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