im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
