Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
