so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
