Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
