There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
