i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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