when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
