pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
