I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
