No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
