I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
