I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
