No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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