HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
