She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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