i love accidental penises.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
