i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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