Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
