btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
