hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
