Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
