im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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