woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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