That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
