I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
