doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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