we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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