I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
