I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
