Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I checked into jail on foursquare
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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