just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize