I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think a kid would responsible me up
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
