Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
