I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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