Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
