Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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